Online Dating Advice Q&A's
Smart Dating is essential. I answer all your questions on how to date on the internet and hopefully find the love you desire!
Whether
you're new to internet dating, or an old pro, I'm here to help. And
by the way, if you're "an old pro", you're clearly doing something wrong.
As I continue my research of the world of online dating, I often peruse
the many dating websites available. I read profiles, note the interesting
posts and sometimes contact the person. What gets my goat is seeing
the same people, with the same ads, and the same photos - clearly doing
the same old thing with their lives. I am talking 2 or 3 years later,
not 2 or 3 weeks. Let's face facts, we won't all meet our soul mates
in a week's time, but if you're doing the same thing you were years
ago, and you're still single or unhappily attached, then you need my
help. I'm here to help, so ask away!
FROM A FEMALE: Help me Dr. Gooddate! I can't take this anymore! In my personals ad, I am very clear on what I want. I specify the age range I am interested in and the type of man I am trying to meet. I am in my early 40's and I do not want to hear from BOYS. I make it plain and obvious that I am interested in men between the ages of 37 and 49. No matter what I say in my ad, more than half the replies I receive are from men under the age of 30. What should I do? - Mary, Spokane, WA
Dr. Gooddate: Hello Mary. What you are
experiencing in the world of internet dating is not at all unusual.
You will find that while females are usually very sure about who
they want to meet, men don't often think with the right head and
will often take what they can get. I am willing to bet that nearly
all of these replies include something to the tune of: "I really
like older women and I am very mature for my age". Blah blah blah.
It's nonsense! Younger men who ignore your ad requests and write
to you when they don't meet your criteria tells me two things: (1)
They are disrespectful and don't care what you desire. They are
selfishly putting only their desires above yours, and (2) They probably
aren't even reading your entire ad and are more than likely sending
the same response to every woman they come across on the singles
website you are using. If you are using a free service such as Craig's
List, there is simply no avoiding this. If you are on a reputable,
pay site for dating, try to bold or capitalize atop your ad what
you do not want. For example: BEFORE YOU READ THIS: I AM SORRY,
BUT PLEASE REPLY ONLY IF YOU ARE AGE 37 OR OLDER. The bold and/or
upper case will stand out and make your desires clear. By saying
"I am sorry" up front, you are making it clear that you are not
snobby, bitchy nor trying to be disrespectful - you simply know
who you want to hear from. This should stop many of those who don't
bother to read your full ad from replying. Sure you will still get
the creeps who ignore your request, but that's the nature of the
beast. If all else fails, consider a site such as eHarmony, where
your criteria must be met and matched before contact is made or
one of the many other singles sites that screen their members. I
am in no way affiliated with any of the dating websites, nor do
I endorse any of them. So when I mention eHarmony, it is my personal
suggestion only. Give it a try and let me know how you do!
Need Advice? Have a question of your own? Let me know.
Submit your question now!
FROM A FEMALE: Hi Dr. Gooddate. I have met a number of quality men online over the past two years. Obviously, I have not met the right man for me yet. While many of my first dates have gone well, I always come across a man who I have no interest in but still tries to "attack" me at the end of the night. I know I am not giving off any vibes that say "kiss me"! As a matter of fact, I will not kiss a man on the first date EVER. Am I doing something wrong? -Jen, Florida
Dr. Gooddate: Poor Jen! I'm sorry to
hear about the problem you are having with what I call the "Social
Skills Moron". Not all people are capable of picking up on body
language, physical gestures and verbal queues. This seems to be
prevalent among male dates more so than females. Many men are inexperienced
daters and inexperienced in life itself, not to mention typically
more immature compared to their female counterparts. I have heard
your story over and over. I have even heard of a man "making his
move" at the end of a date in which the woman already said she was
not interested in a second date! My advice to you is twofold. I
would state in your online ad that you do not kiss nor engage in
any intimate activity on the first date or even the second or third
dates (that's up to you). Then gauge the amount of respect you receive
from each man who replies. Don't fall victim to the man who says
"Oh I really respect you for not kissing on the first date. I would
never kiss on the first date either". As I always say: NONSENSE!
Sure there are exceptions, and sure this may be true - but be VERY
AWARE of the man who plays to your desires simply to get on your
good side. This happens all the time. He'll say whatever you need
to hear and the real manipulators do it very well. If you do feel
that the man is sincere in his response, just make it very clear
that you'd like to pursue communication online (possibly email or
chat) until you feel comfortable enough to go to the phone. Then,
once you do take it to the telephone for more personal, real-time
conversing, make it abundantly clear that you would like to get
to know him better before venturing out on a date. This could take
a day, a week or more. That is solely up to you. If he is the right
man, he will be fine with this. If he respects your wishes, and
continues to be courteous throughout your communication, then this
could very well be someone you should meet. #1 for me is respect.
If you've gotten this far, then he's given you that respect and
this is the first piece of the puzzle. Be sure to reinforce the
fact that you do not and will not kiss on the first date when you
chat with him. The real test will be to see if he adheres to your
rule when you meet him. If he does not, then rule him out immediately
because if your clearly stated wishes cannot be respected so early
out of the gate, then the lack of respect will only get worse. If
he does respect your wishes, then you are off to a great start!
Need Advice? Have a question of your own? Let me know.
Submit your question now!
FROM A MALE: I have a dear friend that I feel is making a HUGE mistake and I want to know maybe I'm the crazy one. I have a female friend that is 27 and is desperately searching for love. She found a guy a few months back on a free dating site. The picture of the guy was of a good looking man in his late 30s. He said he lived in a killer house owned his own business and was 37 yrs old. After talking to him every day for a couple of months my friend thought that she found Mr. Right and was falling in love with him. They decided that she was going to leave her job and state that she lives in to move to be with him. Turns out that Mr. Right came clean and lied about his age which was 43, lied about his job, lives in a small condo and that the pic that he posted was not him. He told her that the reason he lied about everything was because someone had stolen his identity and he was afraid to post any real info BUT he truly fell in love with her. Well my friend has decided to overlook the lies and continue to move in with this guy. He still has not sent her a pic of himself because he is "too busy". I told her that she should demand that he come to her city just to visit to get to know her then if things go ok move forward. Am I the crazy one here because the way I look at it this guy has given every red flag there is for internet dating??? I'm just trying to look out for a dear friend and I'm concerned for her well being. Any thoughts??? -Bryan, Phoenix, AZ
Dr. Gooddate: Bryan, I admire your concern
for your friend and you very well should be concerned. Your friend
is making a big mistake and falling into one trap after another.
"Red Flag" is an understatement here. These flags are literally
hemorrhaging red.
I have tons to say about this particular question. I ask that you
check back in mid-August for your reply, as I will be posting it
then. I am receiving many requests for dating advice, so I thank
you for your patience.
Complete response to follow soon...
Need Advice? Have a question of your own? Let me know.
Submit your question now!
FEATURED DATE FROM HELL
"...he was puking on my floor without a bowl ... the second time I could smell poo in my room..."
Read the featured date from hell >>
View all the dates from hell stories >>
Dates From Hell Stories
Dating Tips
Cut through the crap and recognize the pitfalls and early warning signs. Learn from others' dating mistakes so you don't end up with your date from hell story on this website!
Read our important Dating Tips >>